Wordless Wednesday-How I Spent My Xmas $$$

My Wish For Peace

If I was given one wish that could be granted today it would be for a peaceful resolution to this Israeli/Palestinian conflict.

The pictures are absolutely heartbreaking.  I cannot even begin to fathom the history of hatred and violence and all the wrongs done in this battle, or begin to imagine a peaceful solution that has seemed so out of reach for so long.

I don’t have any answers, and I know that many millions of people on one side or the other, or for both, are praying, so I don’t know what is left.

But if I had a magic wish, it would be for peace and I would give it freely.

Kindness

My hope for 2009, personally, to my family, to our nation, to the world.

 

Practicing for this tonight, by putting a cranky, tired girl in a warm bath.  Highly suggested for parent and child.

Super Mama

Fixed the broken rocking chair.

One more point added for things I can do on my own.

Babies.

Am having mixed feelings about babies lately.

Now is that the most crazy, mixed up thing I’ve posted on here ever, maybe?

Why would a newly single mama (p.s. when are you no longer newly single?  someone let me know) be thinking about babies?

I am 36 years old.  I have two beautiful children.  They are no longer babies.  I am single.  I am not looking for, nor will probably find myself in a relationship anytime soon.  I think I have done a pretty decent job raising my two girls.

 

Some of my blogger friends have recently had babies, or about to have babies.  These blogger friends are in happy marriages.  They post pictures of beautiful sleeping babies and family togetherness and peaceful households.

This causes two big angry words to swirl in my heart.  They are called regret and envy.

Regret that I will never have that chance to be that family.  

Regret that I didn’t leave my husband earlier.

Regret that maybe because of all the chaos in my life, I didn’t get to appreciate that time more.  Too busy working to make ends meet, scraping to get by, dealing with an out of control relationship.

Regret that my biological clock has about stopped and I will never experience that feeling again.

Sometimes I think what it would have been like to have been a mother with a different husband.  Usually this super-human husband can do no wrong and has superhuman kindness powers.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.  I have very nice memories of my family.  I remember how my husband sat on his knees on the hard hospital floor and helped me through birthing our first girl.  I remember how he slept on the hospital chairs that night in a terrible position.  I remember how he drove home down the interstate at like 35 miles an hour because she was in the car.  I look back on pictures of the two of them playing together that first year.  He was smiling, I was smiling, she was smiling.

I remember the birth of our second girl.  I remember my contractions kicking in really hard and him being out at the car looking for his “medication”.  I remember he barely made it back to see her born.  I remember he cut the cord, but I also remember that he went home that night with promises to bring me breakfast first thing in the morning and I had to call him and wake him up at 11am and then he forgot my food.  I remember that I have no pictures of my second girls second year because we had no camera and life was too all consuming to worry about it.  Not so many smiling faces.  Life was so darn difficult then and I was an emotional mess.  For so long during those precious years I was an emotional mess and through it all trying to find that picture in my head of how our life should be and unable to make it happen.

 

 

So here I am, seven months out.  I am healthier.  I am happier.  Though I may never trust enough to marry again.  If I did find the kind, loving man I imagine in those pictures in my head, it will be too late to do that happy, smiling, peaceful baby thing.

I never wanted to have anymore children.  I have spent the last five years telling people, “Nope, that’s it, two is just perfect for me”.

 

So maybe it’s the age that’s getting me.  That biological clock of doom.  Maybe it’s the feeling like there is a second chance out there that is waiting for me.  The getting my confidence back part.  Maybe it’s equal parts both.

I am going to try to beat back that evil feeling of REGRET and also tend to that equally horrible thing called ENVY.

At 36, I still have a hell of a lot of life left to enjoy.  At five and seven my girls still have plenty of amazing years for us to enjoy (or at least until the age of 13 on).   We are busy right now, creating my dream family.  It looks a little different, definitely missing some testosterone, but it’s working for us.  We smile a lot.  There are more than enough pictures.  

No baby smells, no sucking motions with the mouth, no little tiny fingers in my hair, no snuggling into me nursing.

But also, no more diapers, no middle of the night feedings, no colicky nights, no stress of battling a marriage that wasn’t working and not healthy for the girls.

Oh, and to all my new blog mama’s.  I am so happy for you.  Being a mama is the best thing in the world and it is so fleeting that first year.  May you have more best of times and little worst of times.

Happy Christmas

Happy Christmas!  Hope you all had a wonderful holiday.  This year rates up there in best Christmas’ ever.  

No pictures.  Camera still is busted and had to pick up a disposable for our Christmas celebrations, so no pictures for a little bit.  Did get a bit of money for Christmas, so about to see if I can get a really sweet post-Christmas deal on a new one.

Girls and I have had an exceptionally fantastic day and they are already pooped out upstairs.  Signing off myself to catch a few zzzzzz’s before work tomorrow.

Can’t wait to see how your holidays went!  Will be posting more over the weekend.

$#@#*(#&)%$@(A*#@(@

It’s two days before Christmas.  I just dropped my camera on the kitchen floor.  It is not working now.  Lens error over and over.  I know nothing about cameras.  I don’t know where my manual is.

How am I supposed to snap those pics of my beautiful babies our first Christmas here in our girly home?

@#($#&%#*#@*(&#*@(*)$@*)~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I mention my ipod isn’t working either.

Somedays, I just wanna give up.  I need a man in the house.  One who can fix techie things.

Going to bed.

99 things

Nabbed this one from a couple of my other favorite blog reads.  Feel free to copy out for your own.

Things you’ve already done: bold
Things you want to do: italicize
Things you haven’t done and don’t want to – leave in plain font

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars 
3. played in a band
4. visited hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more than you can afford to charity 
7. been to disneyland/world
8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis 
10. sang a solo 
11. bungee jumped 
12. visited paris 
13. watched a lightning storm at sea 
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the mona lisa in france 
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill 
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb 
26. gone skinny dipping 
27. run a marathon 
28. ridden a gondola in venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or sunset 
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise 
33. seen niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors 
35. seen an amish community 
36. taught yourself a new language
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the leaning tower of pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing 
40. seen michelangelo’s david in person
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful geyser erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant 
44. visited africa 
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. had your portrait painted
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the sistene chapel in person
50. been to the top of the eiffel tower in paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkelling 
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud 
54. gone to a drive-in theatre 
55. been in a movie 
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies. 
62. gone whale watching
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood
65. gone sky diving
66. visited a nazi concentration camp
67. bounced a cheque
68. flown in a helicopter 
69. saved a favorite childhood toy 
70. visited the lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in times square 
74. toured the everglades 
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guard in london 
77. broken a bone
78. been on a speeding motorcycle 
79. seen the grand canyon in person 
80. published a book
81. visited the vatican
82. bought a brand new car
83. walked in jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper 
85. read the entire bible 
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox 
89. saved someone’s life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous 
92. joined a book club
93. lost a loved one
94. had a baby 
95. seen the alamo in person. 
96. swum in the great salt lake. 
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee

Sunday

A little more hectic than our “good day” yesterday.

It was still a good day.  It sleeted all early early morning and the dog took me for a glide down the driveway at 6:30 this morning.  The trees were absolutely beautiful.  At my sisters this afternoon, the ice was melting and the water was streaming down the tree trunk with the sun glistening on the little downward river.  I really must remember to take my camera with me everywhere.

No pictures as I was so busy putting the final touches on the Christmas things, mostly finishing Boo’s baby doll quilt. She is getting the most adorable Waldorf doll from Santa this year and a doll bed from me.  So I made this little quilt that coordinates a bit with her rainbow quilt for her own bed.  As this was the last chance I would have without her here before Christmas, it was imperative I finish.

 

Girls went to their Dad’s.  I dropped them off at his sister’s.  It’s been over two weeks and he is now back from his “trip”.  He’s being all kind and interested.  Think  he’s on his best behavior as the custody hearing is coming up in January.  Doubt his trip made any difference.  I don’t really get him, but oh well, not to ruin a good blog post

Snuggles on the couch for each of them and then up to bed.  No school for them tomorrow, but alas, I am off to work so they will be staying next door with Great-Grandmom and Grandpa.

Don’t know why I can’t seem to stop shooting pictures of this girl while she is asleep.  Maybe because it’s the only time she stops.

To My Blog/Twitter Friends

Maybe you have noticed I haven’t made my way around the blogosphere as much lately.   I have not forgotten you.  The combination of going back to work full-time and Christmas coming has been keeping me more than busy for all these little hours I seem to have.

I am sporadically going in and grabbing a peek at my blogroll, but don’t always have time to comment these days.  In fact from reading, I see we are all quite busy right now.

So, excuse me a little while as I spend some time adjusting to this new single mama working lifestyle and the girls and I prepare to celebrate our first Christmas in our new home.

Wishing you all peace, love, joy and boundless blessings during whatever holiday season you are celebrating.

6 days and counting……