I should have known. I only read it four, five hundred times myself. This wasn’t the first time for her either. Tears. Mournful, tender tears.
I patted her back, pulled her on my lap. Put my face to hers.
“I know”, I said, “It’s always so sad when Charlotte dies. She was a good friend”.
Blasted books. The best ones get us every time.
Magnolia Bakery’s Devil’s Food Cake Recipe
Chocolate Ganache and out of season and very $$$ strawberries.
A little friend in matching birthday pyjamas.
The birthday girl at nine.
I have one word for Sunday…..joyous.
emily was nine yesterday. she had her ears pierced today. grandmom stood and held her hand. we will party tomorrow. just family, at her request. a friend to go swimming with soon. she has flowers. it is important that each of my girls have flowers on their birthday. i’m not sure why. i hijacked them to photograph. now they sit on the table, waiting.
i made the cake from scratch. sometimes from scratch is important. like at birthdays. but they are trouble. chocolate melting on the stove. egg yolks beaten in one bowl. milk coming to room temperature. all at once. did a speck of the water from the bottom of the bowl sneak in and ruin it all? will it stick, i had no wax paper?
chicken salad to make. and fruit kebabs. tablecloth to wash. floors to sweep. presents to wrap.
why are weekends only two days? birthdays should allow a four, five day weekend.
birthdays are special.
“I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority.”
~Elwyn Brooks White, Essays of E.B. White
who takes care of mama, when mama gets sick?
annabelle was three months old when i got her, the same time i got married.
thirteen years old this year, she outlasted the husband.
she is a good friend.
if only i could keep them like this….forever. i know it won’t happen, cannot happen. a couple of friends have recently had babies, and oh, how i remember those times and thinking if they could only stay like this forever. i review photos from toddling years, chubby cheeks and small legs, and i remember, oh how if they would only stay this way. we are here now… girls. and yet still, i wish…….
boo talks to me now about questions that are larger than life. she is empathetic, intuitive.
ems is starting to pull away, doing more and more on her own. it makes it easier for me, but it makes me sad. she seems to have her own mind these days….
i know these small, big girls. they are my own, but more and more i begin to realize they are not. they are their own, i am just their guiding hand.
thank God for those of you who have done this before me. who have written to show me the way. i am scared for the future. how one mama will handle the turmoil and rebellion of the coming years. you keep me full of hope for the moments to come.
i say it many times a day. me and the girls. i hope we will continue to be that forever……..
lilacs. bursting forth in the front yard. taken right before sunset. everything it seems right now is in bloom. the trees that had buds just a week ago have sprouted baby leaves. green has made it’s return.
sometimes it sneaks up on you when you aren’t even looking, this blossoming.
i feel in bloom. i’m just shy of having lost ten pounds. i am working out and feeling my body come alive. i am filling myself with healthy food. i put some standards away and have started listening to music with a positive message. i saw my ex-husband yesterday and he just seemed like “someone i know”. i sat in the backyard and laughed with my daughters, my aunt and my grandmother. i watched bluebirds scoping out a nest in my backyard. i made a brilliant batch of bean soup with the leftover easter ham. i took Boo to a birthday party on her own. i sat in Starbucks and shared a berry coffee cake slice with Ems, just the two of us. i took the camera for a walk. we ate dinner outside.
sitting down tonight and taking a minute at the computer writing this i realize something. right now, something that had eluded me for some time has finally settled in.
i am happy.
“And so only a question of the time we have, and the lives that our children need, as they can only keep growing up with what they know through what we teach and what they see”.
–Xavier Rudd, “Better People”
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the power we hold in our hands. As parents.
If we give our children what they need physically and spiritually, they will hold the tools to broaden their futures, stand up for change, live to their fullest potential.
If I teach my children now to eat healthy foods, perhaps they will have healthier lives.
If I teach my children about respect and diversity, perhaps they will bridge the gap for tolerance.
If I teach my children to love the earth, perhaps they can continue to try to save it.
If I teach my children to love themselves, perhaps they will be more confident than I am.
Isn’t that what every parent wants, to see their children grow, prosper and live better lives than they had?
Sometimes the battles seem too big, the goals too far out of reach. Sometimes you just need a reminder that you can affect change, simple change at home.