{For a short while today, grief came to visit like an unwelcome friend}
This was my BAM self portrait this week. I try not to duplicate things I’ve posted here, versus Flickr, versus Facebook, but I needed to acknowledge these feelings. It seems part of this acceptance process is knowing discomfort, allowing it, and documenting it. I have found as I take on this self-portrait exercise I want to capture all my emotions even the heavy ones like I had this weekend.
This portrait like so many of the others I have taken was done with the self-timer. I was reading over some things that I had written that afternoon. It appears Saturday has become my writing day and it appears I have some demons to work out of my system.
I had watched a movie that weighed heavily on grief and loss. I have to be careful about what I surround myself with. I seem to absorb so many of the emotions that occur around me. This movie brought out so many of my own emotions about motherhood, about loss and regret. I wrote for quite a while about my thoughts on my past. On how my family that I created did not turn out to be the family I had wanted and envisioned. The many years that were wasted in a loveless marriage weighed heavily on my mind. It hung with me somewhat even through today.
Sometimes I think that writing might be a sort of therapy. Other times like right now, I think it’s best to let the past lie in the past. I don’t want to go back there again. I have a future to look forward to. One I fought hard to get to. And I cannot be so unfair to all that hard work.
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