The Horrible Ending of The Week

It seems even when you are filling your home with loveliness and light and beauty even then, the ugly things can still creep in.

I found out yesterday that my ex-husband and his new girlfriend are using my identity in a horrid case of medical fraud.  I have just begun to receive a flurry of bills, just starting today at over $1000.00 for emergency room visits.  They have been giving my name, address, social security number and date of birth at various hospitals in the next state over.  All information a husband of ten years has to get his girlfriend into an E.R for narcotics.  After spending the last day researching identity fraud I have a long road ahead of me and with this type of fraud unless  my or his sister’s address is used, I may not even know where they have gone until the bills go to collections and end up on my credit report.  A report with the police filed tonight, seems to have no hope of them being either caught or charged.  The worst part of this is that since she is using my social security number her medical history is being mixed with my own.  Meaning my clean as a slate medical history if pulled now makes me out to be a drug seeker.

Drug addiction is an epidemic unfortunately in this area and likewise all over the United States that is growing and destroying lives.  I know that the day will come that I will receive a call that the man I once called my husband is dead.  I have seen the lives of my family and his destroyed by a simple beginning of a prescription for back pain.

I am not letting this destroy the peace and beginnings of new life that I have started for myself.  It’s a knock for sure.  So forgive me if I am not as present as usual both here and in your places.  I have a very hectic time ahead of me filled with phone calls, faxes and police reports and through it all I need to also be sure that my girls who I prize beyond anything feel safe, secure and full of joy!

Smile…Know I Love You.

My dear sweet girl.  I know sometimes your heart hurts…but keep smiling and know how much I love you.  Let me give you the healing balm of puckered kisses, stroked hair and enclosed arms.  Let me wipe your tears and hug into you the knowledge of how very much I hold you dear. Let me raise you to know you are beautiful, talented, brave and strong.  Let me instill in you that it was his fault he could no longer commit to you, not yours.   Let me give you my courage and let it support and lift your fledgling wings.

Week End.

And the week comes to an end.  And the overwhelming crush begins again.

The, I want to just sit down and cry.  The, I want to collapse in a heap but there’s dinner to clean up and baths to give and laundry to do before my head can hit the pillow.

This forty hour workweek/single parent of two thing is overwhelming me.

I didn’t think I would be doing this on my own and today I am not sure how I am.

But I am the only one who can.  And so I just do.

And every once in  awhile, like tonight, I just sit down and have a good cry.

Then  I remember that the sun will rise tomorrow.  The birds will sing.  The laundry will wait. I will get another chance.  And another. And another. And another.  And then a little blonde girl needs me.  A redhead traps me in a giant hug.

Then I dry my eyes. I tuck the girls in bed.  I take the dog out. I make a cup of tea.  I grab a good book.  I glance back at the dishes in the sink, the unswept floor, I realize they don’t matter, because they don’t.  I’m tired.  And my house is filled with love.  And that’s all that matters.

(Post Script:  I knew I wanted an evening shot for this post, and I had this little quote (I collect them) in my notebook that I wanted to use, but my only shot had electric wires and other yuck stuff in it.  I was pleased that with a little cropping and a little help from Picnik, it turned out quite lovely!)

Wordless Wednesday: West Virginia

New Eyes

Besides the relaxation aspect, the nice part of being away is that when you walk back in the door and drop the bags, you see your home with new eyes.  When I left I was frazzled beyond measure.  When I returned my house looked clean, bright and airy.  Which just goes to show how you can get caught up in the day to day mindview.  There are still too many piles and too much clutter, but the step away gives you new perspective to reach in and grab it one bit at a time.

So when we got home, I immediately unpacked wanting to keep that sense of place.  Then I did a load of laundry.  That was enough.  Today I washed the West Virginia dirt off the car and finished another load of laundry.  Tomorrow……I think I will clean up the last remaining piles downstairs.  All in good time………….we’ll see how long the paced lifestyle keeps up, or down so to speak.

Random Bits…..

1. I realized I didn’t post about my no-waste challenge week.  We did pretty good.  No non-compostable food waste except a handful of onions taken out of a cream sauce. We did have some waste with a package of cherries that we got from the grocery store that were basically half rotten and had to be tossed almost immediately and some bananas that I didn’t even have enough energy to turn into muffins.  A nice reminder about buying local, huh?  I know there were some serious opportunities (bananas), but it’s been one of THOSE weeks.  In the end we ate a lot of leftovers and incorporated things that might spoil (cream, ham, veggies) into new dishes rather than forgetting they were in the back of the refrigerator.  A good lesson and by god a hard one.

2.  Back to Michael Pollan’s “In Defense of Food” for a July book discussion over at Ideal Bite.  You already know about my Michael Pollan crush, right?   Every time I read his books or listen to him speak my head almost falls off I’m nodding with excitement so hard.  So I’m re-reading this weekend. AND remember the Food Inc trailer I posted here, my good, good friend and I are going to go next weekend to Baltimore to see it.  Girls day in the city.  YES.

3.  Speaking of this weekend, girls and I are off to my Aunt’s house in West Virginia for 4th of July weekend, so don’t look for any posts until late Sunday.  I will be blissfully disconnected from the world in the lovely mountains and enjoying every sweet minute.   Look for photo overload in the coming weeks.

4.  My house is driving me INSANE.  This art of simplifying is constantly being beaten back by serious lack of time, two children who are whirlwinds of mess and the simple fact that every time I gather up stuff to get out of here, more stuff keeps finding it’s way back in.  The problem is that I never fully cleaned out after the move last year (eleven years of stuff) and the whole aspect of it is so overwhelming I seem to take a look around and go, ” hmmm” and then walk back out of the room.

5.  And while I am complaining, I bought a bathroom scale this week.  Yes.  Scary.  Very scary.  However, I weighed about 15 pounds less than I expected (hooray) but still about twenty-five pounds too much (boohoo).  I’m not sure why I can’t tip the scale (so to speak, ha) toward my need to lose weight versus my constant want to eat.  Notice I said WANT to eat versus NEED.  Can someone please offer me a gym membership and perhaps one of those life coaches to get my life in gear?  I’m kidding.  It appears every life coach in the U.S. is following me on Twitter along with every “social media expert”.  If you are on Twitter, you will know what I mean.

6.  To end on a better note.  There are only fourteen days until the “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince” release and tonight I saw new clips online.  Ahhhhh, the uber-geeky Harry Potter fanatic in me is unleashed yet again.  If you happen to also be an uber-geeky Harry Potter fan, you can see one here.

7.  My apologies as to falling behind on blog visits this week.  Did I mention it was one of THOSE weeks.  Hopefully will catch up soon.

Wordless Wednesday-New Sunday Tradition

 

 

How Far She Has Come

 

Ems was plagued by stomach ailments not that long ago.  Her stomach hurt her all the time.  There was an issue with lactose intolerence but she suffered daily with tummy aches for no apparent reason.

Last year these tummy troubles reached a new high.  A cannot go to school, into the school crying kind of high.  The I’m afraid to go to school because I feel sick kind of high.  Then came the obsessive-compulsive disorder.  Fear of any types of cleaners, excessive hand-washing.  She was afraid of the spray for the white boards, afraid of the lunch ladies’ spray bottles.  She made this conscious mama actually take a cleaner, spray it on her hand and lick it.  Poison worries and Mr. Yuck, not a problem for this family.

We had a pediatrician, we had a school counselor, we had an amazing first-grade teacher, we had medication.

We overlooked the most simple of things.  We had a poisonous marriage and it was poisoning our eldest daughter.  For those of you out there who are staying for the kids maybe think it over.

I received a call from the school nurse Friday morning.  There are only two weeks and two days left in the school year.  She said to me:

“Emily is here in my office and I’m so proud this is the first time all year, so I think she might really be sick”.

It was a revelation to me.  A year.  A year has passed since the separation.  My beautiful girl, has not had any anxiety stomach ailments in over a year.  The obsessive-compulsiveness…gone.  She is as carefree and happy as any eight-year old girl should be.

She’s still shy, still a mama’s girl, not quite yet ready for friend’s sleepovers or scary carnival rides.  She will always be, like me, prone to caution and sticking to what feels safe.

Hindsight is a funny thing. If I had known then, how it would have been now, I might just have left sooner.  I will officially be divorced in 18 days.  Do  not think ill of me for celebrating.

A Day Begins…

 

with raindrops on our heads awakening us at 6:00 a.m after a night of filling our lungs with fresh backyard air.  two girls tucked into comfortable warm beds and a cup of tea in a favorite “International Department of Magical Cooperation” mug.  searching for good music but the itunes keeps bringing me back to Jack, always Jack, which is just fine.  A blog post, a warm blanket around my shoulders.  mixing of cookie doughs, chocolate chip and peanut butter because the basics are best. it is a day for graduation celebrations for two girls who could easily have been lost who are college bound. it is a day to be proud and a day to fall into old rhythms with family.

 it is a night to return spent with forgotten jam jars.  it is a night with a sweet breeze blowing the curtains.  it is a night of bated breath, of murmurs of thicken, please thicken as strawberries boil down to what i hope will be jam.  girls sleep weary, so tired from another weekend of memories and i sit up late again typing these words so i do not forget how sweet this life is.

 

Saturday 5.30.09

 

 

Strawberries for jam.  Aunt Karen.  Library books. Animal feed.  Chocolate ice cream. Cow licks. Farm garden planting. I ♥ Huckabees induced laughter. Leftovers. Camping out in backyard. A shooting star.