Am having mixed feelings about babies lately.
Now is that the most crazy, mixed up thing I’ve posted on here ever, maybe?
Why would a newly single mama (p.s. when are you no longer newly single? someone let me know) be thinking about babies?
I am 36 years old. I have two beautiful children. They are no longer babies. I am single. I am not looking for, nor will probably find myself in a relationship anytime soon. I think I have done a pretty decent job raising my two girls.
Some of my blogger friends have recently had babies, or about to have babies. These blogger friends are in happy marriages. They post pictures of beautiful sleeping babies and family togetherness and peaceful households.
This causes two big angry words to swirl in my heart. They are called regret and envy.
Regret that I will never have that chance to be that family.
Regret that I didn’t leave my husband earlier.
Regret that maybe because of all the chaos in my life, I didn’t get to appreciate that time more. Too busy working to make ends meet, scraping to get by, dealing with an out of control relationship.
Regret that my biological clock has about stopped and I will never experience that feeling again.
Sometimes I think what it would have been like to have been a mother with a different husband. Usually this super-human husband can do no wrong and has superhuman kindness powers.
I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I have very nice memories of my family. I remember how my husband sat on his knees on the hard hospital floor and helped me through birthing our first girl. I remember how he slept on the hospital chairs that night in a terrible position. I remember how he drove home down the interstate at like 35 miles an hour because she was in the car. I look back on pictures of the two of them playing together that first year. He was smiling, I was smiling, she was smiling.
I remember the birth of our second girl. I remember my contractions kicking in really hard and him being out at the car looking for his “medication”. I remember he barely made it back to see her born. I remember he cut the cord, but I also remember that he went home that night with promises to bring me breakfast first thing in the morning and I had to call him and wake him up at 11am and then he forgot my food. I remember that I have no pictures of my second girls second year because we had no camera and life was too all consuming to worry about it. Not so many smiling faces. Life was so darn difficult then and I was an emotional mess. For so long during those precious years I was an emotional mess and through it all trying to find that picture in my head of how our life should be and unable to make it happen.
So here I am, seven months out. I am healthier. I am happier. Though I may never trust enough to marry again. If I did find the kind, loving man I imagine in those pictures in my head, it will be too late to do that happy, smiling, peaceful baby thing.
I never wanted to have anymore children. I have spent the last five years telling people, “Nope, that’s it, two is just perfect for me”.
So maybe it’s the age that’s getting me. That biological clock of doom. Maybe it’s the feeling like there is a second chance out there that is waiting for me. The getting my confidence back part. Maybe it’s equal parts both.
I am going to try to beat back that evil feeling of REGRET and also tend to that equally horrible thing called ENVY.
At 36, I still have a hell of a lot of life left to enjoy. At five and seven my girls still have plenty of amazing years for us to enjoy (or at least until the age of 13 on). We are busy right now, creating my dream family. It looks a little different, definitely missing some testosterone, but it’s working for us. We smile a lot. There are more than enough pictures.
No baby smells, no sucking motions with the mouth, no little tiny fingers in my hair, no snuggling into me nursing.
But also, no more diapers, no middle of the night feedings, no colicky nights, no stress of battling a marriage that wasn’t working and not healthy for the girls.
Oh, and to all my new blog mama’s. I am so happy for you. Being a mama is the best thing in the world and it is so fleeting that first year. May you have more best of times and little worst of times.