The kids are gone.
They are with their Dad. It’s perhaps their third visit with him since the end of November.
They ran into his arms yelling, “Daddy”. To them he is nothing more than their father.
I’m trying to pick my words very carefully. I have a custody hearing coming up on the 27th.
Seeing him, makes me feel sad. Sad about who he has become.
The absence of the girls leaves a gaping hole in my heart.
Ten minutes ago they were driving me crazy as I was trying to get them to put things away. They both ended up in time out. Their energy and attitude were driving me crazy as I take a turn back into sickness today, eating again too soon.
For five years I struggled, because I thought that if I was there with him, I could watch him at all times and know when it was okay. That I would know when he was not right.
I stayed because I knew it would feel like this to leave them with him. To not have control of the two most important things I have ever had in this world.
Unfortunately, things don’t work that way and I ended up losing a lot including myself trying to keep control.
They were born from me and not once, ever, have I wavered from my responsibility to them. They are and always will be the most important things in my life.
There is nothing that indicates to me today that anything is wrong. He seems straight and level and happy to see them.
But I don’t know…….see I spent too many years looking at that face and the promises that were made that everything was okay when it most certainly was not.
The court says he has just as much right to them as I do as their father. I only hope that the court will see his history this past year and give me more control. He doesn’t show up, he doesn’t call, he doesn’t support them. He has no car, he has no solid home, he continues to make bad choices.
We have been separated since May 2008. Nothing bad has ever, ever happened to them. I will pick them back up tonight and they will be tired and happy to have seen their Dad.
But the tears, they don’t stop. They just keep coming. Because it’s not fair. Because I love them so much.