Home Alone

The kids are gone.

They are with their Dad.  It’s perhaps their third visit with him since the end of November.

They ran into his arms  yelling, “Daddy”.  To them he is nothing more than their father.

I’m trying to pick my words very carefully.  I have a custody hearing coming up on the 27th.

Seeing him, makes me feel sad.  Sad about who he has become.

The absence of the girls leaves a gaping hole in my heart.

Ten minutes ago they were driving me crazy as I was trying to get them to put things away.  They both ended up in time out.  Their energy and attitude were driving me crazy as I take a turn back into sickness today, eating again too soon.

For five years I struggled, because I thought that if I was there with him, I could watch him at all times and know when it was okay.  That I would know when he was not right.

I stayed because I knew it would feel like this to leave them with him.  To not have control of the two most important things I have ever had in this world.

Unfortunately, things don’t work that way and I ended up losing a lot including myself trying to keep control.

They were born from me and not once, ever, have I wavered from my responsibility to them.  They are and always will be the most important things in my  life. 

There is nothing that indicates to me today that anything is wrong.  He seems straight and level and happy to see them.

But I don’t know…….see I spent too many years looking at that face and the promises that were made that everything was okay when it most certainly was not.

The court says he has just as much right to them as I do as their father.  I only hope that the court will see his history this past year and give me more control.   He doesn’t show up, he doesn’t call, he doesn’t support them.  He has no car, he has no solid home, he continues to make bad choices.

We have been separated since May 2008.  Nothing bad has ever, ever happened to them.  I will pick them back up tonight and they will be tired and happy to have seen their Dad.

But the tears, they don’t stop.  They just keep coming.  Because it’s not fair.  Because I love them so much.



Filed under single parenthood

11 responses to “Home Alone

  1. I am so sorry. So sorry. You need a big hug right now!

  2. I always look forward to when my ex comes to pick up my boys…I always have hopes of what I’m going to do with my ‘time off.’ But then once they’re gone, I just don’t know what to do with myself. It’s like living just for myself is impossible now!

    My boys have been gone since New Year’s Eve. They’re coming home tonight. YAY!

    “Seeing him, makes me feel sad. Sad about who he has become.”

    You hit the nail on the head there. I feel the same way, and it breaks my heart to see what the father of my boys is like now. So, so sad.

    Keep on keeping on…hugs to you, my dear!

  3. underthebigbluesky

    You all are the best….you know that right? I’m better now. Talked it out with someone and now I’ve moved on to putting Christmas decorations away.

    Living it large, while the girls are away.

  4. Sorry 😦 I know how this feels – its a hard long road of painful emotions!!


  5. I always thought that having time alone would be a positive about being divorced… that said, I am not in your shoes, your still grieving a lost marriage and this is all new. I hope you find some peace with all of this, I think you are amazingly strong. hugs to you.

  6. I was all set to comment but then saw your response. Anyway, I can understand your fears and feelings. Seem completely rational to me.

    Miss you around Twitter….

  7. underthebigbluesky

    Thank you, thank you again all.

    It’s a struggle. The girls came home happy, but very glad to see me which filled my heart back up.

    The ex, asked me if I wanted to drop the whole court thing and try mediation or work it out on our own. This coming because he says he doesn’t have money for the drug test. And the fact that his recent two week unexpected state paid “vacation” was due to him not showing up for his court mandated drug testing.

    Though things appear well, I am still keeping my eyes open.

    And Chris, I miss Twitter too, I try to jump on randomly here and there, but it’s not the same!

  8. *hugs* I cannot imagine how this must feel.

  9. Reading all these posts just re-affirms my belief that taking a child away from its mother, even if the father has his right to sharing DNA is just unnatural and wrong. I wish the courts could use these blogs as a case-study, because over and over again, I can feel the utter pain and suffering of moms being separated from their kids in custody situations.

    I feel for you, but like all of us single moms, we have learned to cope.


  10. this would be a good time for me to take you up on your offer to let me clean your house, huh? i wish i could come over and we could heat up some hot apple cider (or hot chocolate) and talk and watch an 80’s chick flick. i hate that you were there sad alone.

    i KNOW everything will go fine with the court stuff. i believe there are still a few good people in the judicial system.

    computer hugs your way.

  11. I completely understand. One of the reasons I stayed with my husband as long as I did was the fear of having to send my children with him for visits. I thought that as long as I stayed, no matter how miserable we all were, at least I was there and overseeing things. Our marriage had been over for at least two years before I left. We were little more than roommates…but I couldn’t bear the thought of sending the boys with him alone. My boys have never been hurt, per se, when they’re with their dad, but it still kills me when they come home talking about their visits. I just want to smack the crap out of him every time. I know that the biggest reason he takes the boys at all right now is the same reason your ex took your books…the boys are a tool he can use to hurt me. Eventually, I hope sooner rather than later, he will get bored and move on to something more fun. It’s happening already to a degree and it’s bittersweet. I want the boys to know their father…to see who he is and why I made the choices I did…and I don’t want them to suffer the pain of rejection when he decides he has better things to do than see them anymore. At the same time though, I know that they’ll be better off.

    Big hugs to you…

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