The Heart of A Six Year Old

boo is struggling.  not everyday.  but somedays.  like when her dad doesn’t show up for field day like he promised. like when he doesn’t attempt to see her for weeks at a time.  when night after night after night goes by and he never calls.

at thirty-seven i have the ability (though perhaps not the reason) to understand enough about drug addiction to realize why he was not capable of continuing to love me.  i can remember him before the pain medication started to get it’s gnarled hold on him and know the difference between who he was then and who he has become now.

he left for rehab and detoxed the pain medication when she was just little with hopes to learn how to manage pain without it. he failed…miserably.

i try to think of how her little five/six year old brain has processed the loss of him .  i hear her words and i see her tears.  and  here she is with all this love in her heart.  i cannot reason it to her.  i cannot explain to her that he is damaged and cannot  be a part of her life right now.  that the addiction is stronger than the ability to pull himself together and become responsible again.

i wish i could be enough for her.  but my kisses and my games and my dedication to her cannot replace the questions of “why doesn’t he want to see me”?  i cannot be both parents to her.

she loves her grandads and her grandpa.

she loves her uncles.

she wraps her little arms around them in great big bear hugs and squeezes.

she has an exuberant capacity for love.

bus she misses having a dada.

and he’s not there.

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6 Comments

Filed under single parenthood

6 responses to “The Heart of A Six Year Old

  1. bdar

    Hello what a sad story. Divorce has such a sad inpact on chilren. PLease go to http://www.copingwithdivorce.blogspot.com

    Hope it helps you

  2. that’s heartbreaking! I don’t know what more you can do to help, but I do know she has a wonderful Mum..
    and with her capacity for love she will always have a great source of strength…

  3. *gggrrrrr* inducing ex man strikes again! honestly i wonder if they really ever know the issues they create. Hug that baby boo extra big and kiss her 5 extra times. because honey…. YOU ARE MOM AND DAD, you ARE all she needs. she will grow up with such a sense of self having a strong, independent mommy like you.

  4. syd

    The fact that *you* are there day in and day out is huge, you know? Studies show that resiliency in kids is created by having at least one consistent, loving adult in their lives. And yours have YOU – plus a web of loving family behind you.

    Wish I could be helpful, think of you three girls… xo

  5. I’m trying to catch up on all my favorite blogs. Yours is among them.

    This continues to be so heartbreaking. I’m sorry for all of you. The uncles, grandpa and grandads will need to fill this male role for the time being.

    Hang in there. You are doing an incredible job.

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