How (Not) To Spend An Evening


Now here’s what you should do on a night when your kids are finally spending a visit with their father after a few months.  A night all to yourself.

1. You should go to the grocery store.  Right?  That’s fun.  Hey at least no one will be fighting.

2. You should take your father.  He’s still with you after watching the kids while you went to court.  Come on and at least he’s well mannered.

3.  When you get home, you should invite him to stay for salad and sandwiches.  And go ahead and start that before you start putting the groceries away.

4.  Start brewing some iced tea, because after all, your father might want something to drink besides milk or water, your staples.

5. When you are thoroughly distracted between, groceries, salads, sandwiches and cutting up lemons, take the glass iced tea pitcher out of the refrigerator.

6.  Then absentmindedly decide to pour the piping hot freshly brewed iced tea into the COLD GLASS pitcher.

7.  Wait, when you get it almost filled to the top an amazing thing happens… explodes like a nail bomb.

8.  This is the really, really fun part where you stand stock still in shock and realize the exceedingly hot tea has soaked through your jeans and is causing first degree burns on your thighs.

9.  Now is the best part.  Watch your father come in and throw cupfuls of cold water on your legs.  You know the one who you expect should see you as a capable, dependable adult.  Then run upstairs and rip, I mean rip those jeans off.

10.  Now to make it even more enjoyable, be sure you are wearing your new white sweater.  You know the one you just bought two days ago.  Make sure it gets nice and tea-stained so that you can spend some time googling removing tea stains from clothing.

11.  While you are at it.  Pull that knobby thing on the sink that keeps the water in the bowl. Yeah, pull on it until it comes out and your plug is stuck.

12.  Now have fun finishing dinner, cleaning up glass, soaking up sticky sweet tea, putting groceries away and mopping counters and floors.  Now really, could you ask for anything better?

13.  Now in case you are too spoiled remember to be thankful for buying that aloe plant at the garden market a few weeks ago and also plan on wearing a dress to work tomorrow because those legs are gonna burn baby burn.

Do I know how to spoil myself or what?



Filed under single parenthood

6 responses to “How (Not) To Spend An Evening

  1. When my girls would spend time away I would do laundry, eat pizza, have a few beers and fall asleep. My reward was the extra few hours of sleep I would get. You had an eventful night though!

  2. syd

    Oh honey 😦 I’m sorry.

  3. Liz

    this so sounds like something I would do…trying to do too many things at once always gets ‘ya!!

  4. oh my gosh! the story started so “if you give a mouse a cookie” and then took a terrible, scary turn! My dear, YOU know how to party!!!

    hope your legs feel better

  5. Oh my goodness you poor thing.

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