working out, slowing down.

i feel myself disappearing slowly from the online world.  gone seem to be the days where i could sit for hours visiting here and there, looking up this, researching that.  has anything really changed in my life?  i couldn’t say.  but lately, it’s been one of the last places i seem to go.

i think that perhaps i should rejoice in the fact that i am finding my time elsewhere.  that i am busy.  that i am focused on other things.  that my attention is not solely focused on a machine, but on myself.

i am working out.  steadily.  cardio, 30 to 45 minutes at least four times a week.  strength training every other day.  building up our fruit and vegetable intake, cutting back our meat and white flour/sugar  intake.  my goal is to lose 33 pounds this year.  i started a little over two weeks ago and  i have lost 5 so far.  why 33?  it’s just a goal that sounds right to me.  if i lose 40 or 25 so be it.

the important part is that i want to feel comfortable in my body again.  which right now isn’t happening.  the excess weight i’ve put on in the last year and a half is chipping away at my newly found self-esteem.  i’m also thinking a haircut is in order and perhaps a make-up education, not for everyday, but you know, for special days.  i want to feel pretty.

so i’m working hard.  i am pushing myself.  but the funny thing is that as the weeks have progressed it feels less like pushing and more like enjoying.  i like the way my breath comes and goes when i exercise.  i like the fact that i am aware of my breath (thank you for the reminder) and i like the way my body feels when it is working.  who would have ever guessed?

most importantly though, i love the yoga afterwards.  i end every cardio session with yoga,  i slow down, cool a little and then strike my poses and it brings everything back down to earth.  yoga feels to me like connecting with my innermost self.  and after such hard work, it’s the soothing tunes of my favorite Kenyan musician, Ayub Ogada that help me relax back into a place of peace.  the words are in a language i do not understand so there is no distraction but his voice and the sounds of the instruments bring that lull i need, so that when i am done i can lay on my mat at peace.  the resting bit.  see i cannot forget that what my body also needs is the resting bit.

so why have i not been around as much? that is why.  besides being a working mother, being the head of the household, being the caretaker, i am also working very hard on being me.  and this me, as i say every year, is a work in progress.  i made so many beautiful strides last year with my emotional self, it’s time now to focus on my physical self, and unfortunately that eats up a lot of time, but i’ve decided, most certainly, that i am worth it.

someone  recently put up a quote about taking action, to not only think, but do, be the change you want, not only talk the talk, but walk the walk.

i am walking, the walk.