King Size Bed

I am reading a book that I cannot put down.   “How To Sleep Alone In a King Sized Bed” is the story of divorce, motherhood, doubt, fear, confidence.   I am wound up in the words of this book.  This story has me nodding my head, laughing, silently mouthing, oh yes, to myself.  I am amazed at how similar the writing style of this book is to my own, but then realize that the author and I speak the same language and far more than simply English, or Spanish or Italian, we speak the language of divorce.  We speak the language of motherhood.  We speak with a mixture of anxiety  and confidence.

It is a language of our own.  The desperateness, the loneliness, the building again of ourselves and our trust.  The idea of wanting, oh wanting some time for yourselves and then achingly missing your children when they are gone.

I remember when I was newly separated, among all the drama more than anything I had was the fear, the absolute panic and the horrible weight that I would not always be there with my children.  I remember crying myself to sleep thinking “but I am their mother.  It is my job to watch over them, protect them, be there for them, how can I do that when they are apart from me”.  This was my worst nightmare.

Now I think how much I enjoy the time apart.  Look forward to an uninterrupted workout.  A movie and a glass of wine.  The quiet of the house to sit down and write.  Granted we are in a much better place now.  For right now I have no worries about what is happening when they are with their father.  That certainly makes it easier.

In this book the author references divorce books she has read that state it takes two years to recover from divorce, and I think about this.  In May, we will have been physically separated for two years, granted the “official” divorce didn’t take place until June of last year.

But I think about how much progress has been made.  Reading this story of divorce, reminds me of myself.  The anger, the desperateness, the many, many days and nights of WTF am I going to do now?

I don’t cry much anymore.  As much as I did in the marriage or in that first year after.  Apart from the occasional school night locked in the bathroom thinking, “how in the hell am I supposed to take on homekeeping AND math homework“, most of these days are good.

It takes time to adapt out of a marriage, especially one that has lasted ten years and two children.  To become one again instead of two.  To get back that identity.  On this journey you think you must be the only one who is feeling so inadequate and empty.  Then you pick up a book like this and you find a consort, a partner in crime, someone else who has stood her ground, cried herself to sleep, felt a little bit insane and a whole lot of inadequate and still managed to raise two children.

And the king size bed?  I have one, but I am never alone.  This morning I woke to find two bundles of fuzzy girls and one cat stretched across my pillow.  But having faced the prospect of the big lonely bed in the evening I recommend lots of pillows and a heating pad.  It makes one hell of a comforting nest on a cold and lonely night.

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10 Comments

Filed under single parenthood

10 responses to “King Size Bed

  1. syd

    Rings so true, and so lovely.

  2. I think you are brave. So…here’s to bravery. You are an incredible woman…doing an incredible job…xo

  3. Awww- you’re amazing you know that? I’m sure you do. I’m saying a prayer for you and your two bundles of joy now. God bless you and the author 🙂

  4. Cheers to you…for finding comfort in the place you are at. Love that the girls (and cat) take up residence in the king size bed.

  5. I have wanted to read that book. I’ve read some of the author’s essays; her writing is good. And so is yours.
    I hope your true-hearted honesty paves a path for many others walking the same road.

  6. Good Work Mamma. Your children are SO blessed to have you. Fast forward…it turns out alright, you know why….cause You’ve got this!

  7. Another well written post. I’ve not read the book – even at this point I think I’d be afraid to delve back into that scenario. And the king-sized bed: I don’t miss it one bit – I couldn’t stand to sleep in it anymore and bought myself a much smaller bed. That was a huge empowering step for me: buying my very own bed.

    Glad you’re finding comfort in the book. Hugs ~

  8. I find myself nodding & relating every time I read your blog- I am so glad I found it! This April will be our two year mark and there certainly has been a huge shift lately…for that, I am grateful. You are one amazing mama..I must get that book!
    p.s. continuing the co-sleeping has made it way more bearable for me as well. 🙂

    love & light

  9. I cried. Reading about this and your king sized bed filled with you and your little’s. With each post I get to know you more and what an amazing mother you are. Thank you for sharing your life. A sweet life indeedy.

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