I am supposed to be sleeping. In bed early tonight.
Instead I am sitting here. I failed as a mother tonight.
I had a blowout with my oldest.
There is a two books and five friends rule for the bed. There is level that should be acceptable for items left on the nightstand. We were way beyond that tonight. I asked many times for things to be put away.
It didn’t happen.
I scooped it all up and carried it into my bedroom because it wasn’t done. I was not too happy about it.
She was not too happy about it. She grabbed up all her covers and threw them right in my face.
I lost my temper. I yelled…..a lot and then I yelled some more. She yelled back.
I sent her to my room. Go sit on the bed, I said in anger. You might get these back.
She scowled and growled and kicked. I yelled some more, and slammed.
I sent her to bed. Then I remembered she is just a little girl, in little girl pyjamas and tears in her eyes. She is just a nine year old girl angry her mom was carting away all her stuff. She is the girl who relies on me to be the stable force in her life.
I am miserable. I went back to her room. She said I’m sorry which is a lot for her. She doesn’t say I’m sorry. I said I’m sorry too. I hugged her, hard. I said I couldn’t be a very good example of not losing your temper when I am yelling at her. I said I’m sorry we had a horrible fight. I got her a handkerchief. She smiled.
But I cannot take that moment back. That yelling moment.
We are cut from the same cloth, she and I, making it difficult for us to see past ourselves sometimes.
But there is a bit of her father in her too. The part that doesn’t back down, doesn’t say sorry.
She is growing so fast, doing so much, sometimes I forget how small she can be.
Tonight I made her feel small. and now I feel even smaller.
Tomorrow will be a better day and this will hopefully be one bad memory in a long string of good ones.