delving.

i’m just going to put the warning up now.  this whole mondo beyondo thing is really opening me up and letting out a lot of feelings so there might be quite a few personal posts coming up.  but this is my blog, so that’s okay.

the last two days have been difficult.  partly due to hormones, partly due to chaotic schedule.  partly because i feel like my inner soul is cracking open.   the downside to exploring your wants and dreams is that, that process, opens up the past, and with the past come the regrets.  the regrets like:

i never finished college

i never had  a great trip or journey.

i settled for the “safe” jobs.

i rushed us into the marriage.

given the choice, i chose the wrong man.

which is a lot for your heart to take.  so today, i took my journal and took my assignments and i drove to the state next door.

one, because i felt i needed to be away from home,

two, because i needed to be around people, but not in the company of people,

three, it’s a college town, so i was surrounded by a lot of free-thinkers,

four, it’s the place where in the past i was my happiest.

one of the values i gave myself from my assignment the other day was self awareness/confidence, and since i hadn’t been feeling that one,i drove off, indulged at Starbucks, grabbed a pen, settled on a bench in the sunshine right off the main street, and wrote. and wrote.  and wrote.

and it looked like this. excuse the length. apparently self-awareness is not concise.

**accept the past without regret**let go of what could have been**accept the circumstances i have to work with now**accept my body as a 38-year old, mother of two**look at the people i admire and recognize their worst/best attributes and realize how much i still admire them and learn to do that with myself**not compare myself to people who are further on the journey than i am**find out what my personal photography style is and embrace it**don’t let the failure of certain ideas stop me from trying**recognize that dreams take time and love**commit to find happiness in being a no makeup, simple hair and dress, love me natural kind of girl**find clothes that  fit my sense of style, commit to a few and be happy with that**give myself time alone with no family/home obligations each week to unwind**give myself 15 minutes of quiet time each day, to let my thoughts rest**leave my inspiration notes in places i see them all day long**write out a mantra and post it on my bathroom mirror**eat well enough that i feel healthy but satisfied, banning all forms of potato chips from my diet**allow myself great coffee once a week because it makes me happy**laugh at mistakes and let them go**acknowledge that there is one, probably more than one, person out there who would love me as i am**be patient waiting for love and use this opportunity to love myself**accept that the universe will send me a partner in life when we are both ready**pull myself out of my retreat and go out more**stop being uncomfortable going places on my own**realize the limitations on my time being a working single mother**find activities i can fit into my schedule that don’t require consistent commitment**make a list of places to meet like minded people and try one**keep up my online relationships, forge new ones and let some old ones go**commit one night a week to self-care**get seven hours sleep EVERY night**write every day even if for five minutes**decorate my house with beautiful things that inspire me.**

and then, just like that, i felt better. and then i walked back down the main street with a smile on my face, seeming to dare the people passing me to wonder what it was that i was smiling about.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “delving.

  1. there are so many on your list that I can relate too. so many! thank you for sharing.

  2. I wish I had something wise to say here, something super encouraging but I can’t think of anything beyond stay the course, you’re amazing!

  3. I love this post. It’s so great to meet other women who are braving the swamps of their psyche & learning to let go, in order to live well.

    good luck on your journey!

    {Sarah}

  4. I really really really like you.

    36 year old single mom of one over here and I can totally relate to so much of what you have written above.

    You just inspired me to schedule in some time tonite to get caught up on Mondo Beyondo stuff and to post it up on my blog.

    Hugs to you! So happy you are doing MB this session : )

  5. love it…love the realizations…and the determination. And I happen to like simple dress and no makeup!! xo

  6. elaine

    jenn, all the things that you refer to as regrets have been a necessary part of you becoming who you are, i hope you will make room for them and see how they have contributed to your arrival here, where you are both opening and launching simultaneously

  7. that is an amazing list. i can only imagine how big that smile on your face must have been when you were finished.

    one of yours that sticks with me is “not compare myself to people who are further on the journey than i am”. that’s a big one for me. putting it in that context gave me a ‘duh’ moment. i need to just be content that i am on the journey!

    i can relate to so many others on this list, too. thank you for sharing it.

  8. Aebbe

    I can identify with a lot of the things on your list too, especially letting go of what could have been, and accepting the circumstances I have to work with now. I spend too much time second guessing choices I made in the past and regretting things that didn’t happen for me, and far too much time wishing things were different. Altogether far too much time focussed on either past or future and not enough on the here and now! Your post has helped me to see that about myself, so thank you! 🙂

    The other thing that struck me about your post is that that is a very.long.list. Please do be gentle with yourself and take things slowly, don’t set yourself up for failure by trying too much at once (favourite habit of mine…).

  9. after reading your list, i know that we’d have lots in common to discuss should we ever come face o face. i know his because so many on your list i can relate to. really relate to. what a great exercise in self awareness.

  10. This is wonderful! Love that you put it in color, and I love the comments you’ve been leaving in MB too. Thank you so much for sharing yourself like this!

  11. What a lovely list! It felt so true and real and inspiring all at once. Thank you for sharing it!

  12. Finding that special (safe?) place to go, where you could re-group, meditate and write is SO important….and feels like a luxury/escape with such a busy life.

    I would be a single mom of two….farther along in the journey than you….thinking less of regrets all the time, as time and relationships in the present eclipse those darker times…or at least add a fresh perspective 😉 Blessings on your September!

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