an exercise in emotion.

{For a short while today, grief came to visit like an unwelcome friend}

This was my BAM self portrait this week.  I try not to duplicate things I’ve posted here, versus Flickr, versus Facebook, but I needed to acknowledge these feelings.   It seems part of this acceptance process is knowing discomfort, allowing it, and documenting it.  I have found as I take on this self-portrait exercise I want to capture all my emotions even the heavy ones like I had this weekend.

This portrait like so many of the others I have taken was done with the self-timer.  I was reading over some things that I had written that afternoon.  It appears Saturday has become my writing day and it appears I have some demons to work out of my system.

I had watched a movie that weighed heavily on grief and loss.  I have to be careful about what I surround myself with.   I seem to absorb so many of the emotions that occur around me.  This movie brought out so many of my own emotions about motherhood, about loss and regret.  I wrote for quite a while about my thoughts on my past.  On how my family that I created did not turn out to be the family I had wanted and envisioned.  The many years that were wasted in a  loveless marriage weighed heavily on my mind.  It hung with me somewhat even through today.

Sometimes I think that writing might be a sort of therapy.  Other times like right now, I think it’s best to let the past lie in the past.  I don’t want to go back there again.  I have a future to look forward to.  One I fought hard to get to.  And I cannot be so unfair to all that hard work.

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3 Comments

Filed under single parenthood

3 responses to “an exercise in emotion.

  1. Sometimes I need to experience what I do not want…in order to know and appreciate what I do want… I’m hard-headed that way…

  2. A wonderful therapist I had (at the end of a very long and difficult marriage) worked a long time with me to help me put the past in perspective. He likened it to a radio that is always on in one room. I couldn’t turn off the radio, but I could turn it way down or leave the room.

    I have been out of that marriage for many years–almost a decade. The children are adults now. I have moved on and through life. I am married to a wonderful, wonderful man. But sometimes, out of nowhere, those hard, painful memories hit me and bring me to my knees. That is when I have to pick myself up and turn down or walk away from the radio.

  3. Liz

    You are much braver than I think I ever will be, and I admire you so much for it my friend.

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