roller coaster ride.

{looking forward to some reading during flight time}

It’s been a bit of a roller coaster ride this week, physically and mentally. Daily life has been busy, two of the three of us have been plagued by mysterious stomach ailments and then there is the trip, and on top still fighting off the cold.

Thursday I leave for Colorado.  It’s a trip I’ve been counting down since the day he left in December.  85 days ago.  It seemed then an unbearable amount of time to go without seeing each other.  A very depressing amount of time.  Difficult to lose someone for twenty years, find them for eleven days and then they are gone again.  But somehow we’ve made it and 48 hours from now, I will be there.

I am excited.  Beyond excited.  Excited to have this time to spend with him.  Excited to have this time for us to be alone.  Excited that I will actually have four full days without the responsibilities of work, motherhood, household.

But right now I am tired.  Tired.  Tired from the responsibilities of work, motherhood and household.  Tired from preparing myself and my home for this trip.  Tired from worrying about whether the girls will be okay, thinking what if something goes wrong with them or with myself.  And so today I have asked him, only half-jokingly, if it is okay if I just sleep curled up next to him for the first 24 hours.

The girls seem fine, quite excited actually that Grandmom (my mother) is coming to stay for five days.  My mother is quite content that everything will be fine, but I have NEVER been away from these girls.  This is the mother who agonized over the divorce and not being there to watch over on Wednesday nights and Saturdays.  So for me, there is a bit of stress over leaving them at home.  (I won’t go into the letters I’ve written them in case something should happen to me).

But again, part of this journey is about me.  About me finding myself, my happiness and part of my happiness right now lies in Colorado.  Part of my journey is about seeing where this road is leading, and some of that needs to be explored between the two of us.

So right now feels like a roller coaster.  And in two more days, I imagine it’s going to feel a bit like bliss.

And then I’ll be home and we’ll start the countdown again.

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4 Comments

Filed under mama

4 responses to “roller coaster ride.

  1. Denise

    relax. wonder. breathe.

  2. I know all about the countdowns. Lived them for almost 2 yrs and look at us now! It’s hard, but it’s worth it, like everything wonderful. I’m so excited for you!

  3. By the time I saw this, I realized you were already there! Hoping you find some roadsigns pointing you the way!

  4. i’m sure it is bliss by now…enjoy it my dear friend. it is your time.

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