Tag Archives: happiness

Content With Short Bursts of Anxiety

How DID I fall into this happy place?  Was it the  8,000 baby steps I took?   Is it the coming together of 10,000 small moments that made me smile?  Is it the 4,000 horrible nights that I pushed myself through?  I just turned around and here it is.  There was no line.  No marker I crossed. No directional arrow that said “HAPPINESS ➙”

I have  been so content lately.  And I cannot pinpoint it to one direct thing.  It’s just that  sometimes I just stop and smile and just say it out loud,

“I am so happy”.

These small moments.  When I have connected with someone.  Or I have done something, written something, edited something that I am really proud of.  When the insects outside are doing a perfect trilling song.  When the clouds crossing the full moon just radiate beauty.  When my children about burst my heart with their kindness or their laughter.   When my family make me laugh so. very. hard.

This contentment has to do with a lot of people.  There are a lot of people to thank for it.  Some of them are as close as next door or down the road.  A few I found over the last couple years who were important from my past.  Some are friends from as far away as the other side of the country or the other side of the world.  Their voices, their written words bring me comfort, remind me I am never alone.

I will always be anxious.  Always.  I will always have those panicky, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW moments.  Those OH MY GOD THERE IS NO WAY I CAN HANDLE THIS RIGHT NOW moments. I am always going to be fighting off certain amounts of self-doubt, of fear. Somedays I want to turn in my Parenting badge, resign and math homework can still bring me to tears, even at the 4th grade level.

But I will take it, this label.  Someone can affix it to me.  Like a warning label.

WARNING:  She is very content, but prone to short bursts of anxiety.

Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we all just wore warning labels?  I like this label.  I like the way it looks on me.



Filed under mama

Choosing Happiness

Is harder than it appears.  I’ve been bombarded lately with negative feelings.   You know those days when you just want to find that one bright spot?  I think at my root I am a happy, kind and grateful person, but I’m also sensitive and empathatic.  You know that book, The Highly Sensitive Person, it sits on my bookshelf, with The Highly Sensitive Child right next to it because after all these are my children.

Oh and I’ve decided to start using my children’s real names on the blog.  Will I regret it, maybe?  Not sure.  Just so you know, if you don’t know already, Emily is the blonde, Karelyn (cuh-rel-in) is the redhead.

Sometimes I think the book I really need though would be titled “How To Stay Happy and Kind In a World of Miserable Selfish People”.   I’m really aggravated with people these days and most days I think there may be just about no one in my general area who holds the same viewpoints or has the same set of principles I have.  I think I might fall over in gratitude if I ran into someone about town who felt the same way about music, food, love, life and generosity.

It did happen today though.  I was at the grocery store.  I had just finished my shopping.   I was putting my cart away and saw a familiar Subaru with a “Choose Civility” sticker on the back.  Smile.  It was my Mom’s.

I went back inside and found her, talked for a few minutes.

I have a family that understands.  I have a real good friend.  I have you, and you and you.

I have decided to let the rest of the world keep their  misery and put up a barrier.  I am going to quit reading the newspaper again.  I am going to go back to soaking up beautiful photos, beautiful words, beautiful song.

That’s the stuff I need to soak in and then I’m going to let it emanate and see maybe if some of it spreads around.


Filed under mama

No More Apologies

i am an apologizer.  my grandmother swears she is going to try to break me of it.  she said to me once in the car, “jennifer, if a meteor crash landed on the earth you would say, oh, i’m sorry”, or something to that affect.  it’s true.

at the ripe old age of almost thirty-eight, i’ve just decided i am who i am and if the world doesn’t like it, tough.  you’ve seen those people right?  just marching along on their merry way, playing along to their own tune, not giving a care to what anyone else thinks just caught up in being themselves.  here’s the thing about those people….they usually seem happy. oblivious to strange looks.  my goal is to become one of those people.

so, i will not apologize for my addiction to sci-fi television, i will not apologize for blaring Dave Matthew’s Band in my car by myself on the way to the grocery store, i will not apologize for not wearing makeup all weekend long, i will not apologize for having long, dull boring hair, i will not apologize for being a whiner, i will not apologize for being lazy about doing dishes, i will not apologize for having a big heart, i will not apologize for taking seemingly inappropriate photos in public places, i will not apologize for eating against the grain, i will not apologize for putting my kids to bed early so i can workout, i will not apologize for not using capital letters,  i will not apologize for having a strange obsession with Harry Potter, i will not apologize for letting  a few curse words slip, i will not apologize for feeling lonely, i will not apologize for overdue library books, i will not apologize for not calling, for not going, for not doing.

it’s my time.  this is the only time i have.  someone once told me that right now all i should really worry about focusing on is raising my children.  they were wrong.

if i feel trapped in this life of only focusing on my children, where am i in all that?  and if i am unhappy with myself what does that show my children?

i’m taking a day a month to go out and do something for me.   no apologies.


Filed under mama