Tag Archives: life

different kinds of dreams.

It seems I’ve switched to a morning format for my weekend  posts and this morning the girls ARE in the bed probably against their better judgement as I’ve been waking in the night suffering the worst of this cold.

I think last night’s dreams were worth mentioning here because they were the kinds of dreams that you want to wake up and remember, not let roll off quickly before you can grasp them.

Last night I had dreams of swimming.  Which is a bit odd for me because I’m not a big swimmer.  But I was standing on the edge of a beach about to enter a competition.  Apparently it was one of three competitions (of which I dreamed of two) and there were only about ten people competing.  Though I guess it’s kind of pointless to say competing because as I spoke with my fellow competitors on the beach, we were all just hoping to finish and in addition felt a deep affection for one another for doing this together).  So there I was on a beautiful stretch of land getting ready to swim my heart out (and thinking why am I doing this, I don’t swim) and I was excited, bursting actually with excitement.  When the race started it seemed it was an odd sort of race that involved diving, then swimming in shallow waters and then climbing up and over rocks and then swimming again to get to the other side and back.  I have never seen this, but ok, it’s a dream.  The second leg of the race was on a different beach and this time it was evening.  I was standing in a hotel room and there were giant rock formations that the setting sun was throwing in silhouette along the beach (thinking now they reminded me of the rocks at Bay of Fundy, a must see if I do say so, if you’re ever in Atlantic Canada)

 image ohmycanada

I decided I needed to go photograph them while the light was just right so I headed out to walk down the beach with my camera.  As I walked down the beach trying to find a good shot there was suddenly someone beside me and I turned to them and pointed across to the left where there was a string of bright neon signs and fast food joints and said “see this, this is what is ruining things” and then I pointed across back to my Fundy rocks and the setting sun and the ocean and said “and this is what we are trying to save”.  And that is where I woke up.

In the way all dreams are this one didn’t make much sense.  The fact I went straight to my grandparents home from the first race or that there were a string of fast food joints across from my Fundy beach.  What was amazing about this dream was that all of the most important aspects of my life were all contained in this dream and in this dream itself I was so uniquely happy.

I was doing something I loved which was pushing myself and my body to become stronger and healthier.  I was on a beach next to an amazing ocean in both parts of the dream.  I had both Ed and my family there with me surrounding me in both parts and I was imparting to someone younger than myself the importance of staying away from that which is fake and unnatural for what is already whole and complete.

It may not mean much here looking at it on the screen, but it made an impact on me this morning.  I awoke with a smile and a feeling like if nothing else this dream was telling me I am on the right path.

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in conversation.

photo credit:  fiji.islands-pictures.com


tonight was heavy in conversation.  the types of conversations that revolve around what life means to you and what it takes to have a meaningful life.  conversation on game changers and life alterers.  conversations that could go anywhere. conversations that take two people on opposite ends of everything and bring them closer.

they’re tough conversations, important but heavy with thought and consequences.

and through it all we keep smiling, and laughing, and loving each other.

and no one raises their voice or throws things.

we may just end up raising a family on a beach, wild unschooled children, cajoling the tourists for a living.

but i say fiji and he says belize.

so the discussions go on.

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still waiting.

why does it seem that spring is so reluctant to make  her entrance this year?

easter is late and just two weeks away.  most of the earth here is still brown, the days still damp and chilly.

i long for warmth and color.

spring seems perched on the edge, just peeking around the corner, making me wait.

i myself perched and ready.

ready to jump, but not quite there.

there are climbing lessons, i haven’t dared to officially sign up for, scared my time won’t come through.

there are photos, to be reproduced, ideas floating in my head to be sold.

there is a book in progress, waiting for me to sit down and add another 3,o00 words to what is there.

there is a man, right now in Tennessee, who feels like family, but who is just out of my reach.

sometimes the waiting is the hardest part, when you feel greatness around the corner.

in time.  time is a teacher.

telling me, this is a path, but one with a direction.

giving me just a taste to hold on to, and keeps me thinking forward.

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here

 

here is where he was standing, waiting for me to find the perfect shot.

again and again and again.

patient.

always waiting for me.  to find my way back again, to find my way across the mountains and plains, to find answers to the questions that hang there between us.

he is a patient man.

i never want to wait for anything.  impatient.

he says 58 days is not so long.

i roll my eyes.

here.

here is where he waits.

here is where i can’t stop thinking i want to be.

here is where i found bliss

in the feel of his hands stroking my hair,

in reaching out and having someone’s hand to hold,

in waking in the night assured he was there.

here.

in that one spot,

that spot where i rest my head

and know that everything is okay.

that place where my head fits into his neck

and i know i am safe.

and i know that here

is defined only as

this place,

this spot.

my safe place.

here,

this spot.

is where i can call home.

 

 

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growing up.

 

my girl is growing up.

she picks out her own clothes.  if i lay something out she puts it away.  it doesn’t always make sense, but she’s got her own style and as long as she’s respectable, i’m not going to pick a fight there.

she has perfected the eye roll, and the sarcastic head wobble.  i’ve perfected the phrase “stop being a smart-ass”.

last week she had issues with a friend at school.  another friend was excluded and she stepped in and got the cold shoulder from the other friend about it. it threw her for a loop.  i wasn’t ready for catty friends until middle school, but here we are in 4th grade.  she didn’t really talk to me about it.  she emailed her best friend.  her best friend from kindergarten.   i am so glad she has a best friend confidante.  then she talked to Ed.  that’s right, apparently friend issues fall into Ed territory.

this last week she has had a few questions about her physical self.  apparently, body issues fall into my territory, thank goodness.

she’ll be 10 in nineteen days.

i’ve heard the stories my sister has told of frantic mothers running into the library asking for books for their nine and ten year olds caught by surprise by puberty.  i was shocked.  i guess i shouldn’t be.

i’m not ready for her to grow up.

but i realize i cannot be caught unaware.  so today this book collection came for her.  i’m reading it tonight in preparation before i give it to her.  it appears to be a good one.  american girl really puts out some good stuff for this pre-teen set.  she already has one of the books on friendship,  of course, i always turn to a book.

my mother gave a us a book.   it taught us a lot.

apparently it taught my younger brother a lot too.  my mother claims it’s how he got all the girls, with all of that knowledge.

but about my first-born.  i remember how sad i was when she was no longer a baby, a toddler, a preschooler, a kindergartner.  i remember my mother telling me every stage is a good stage and that they grow and change and you find new things to love about them.

for the past couple years, i’ve been watching as Nancy’s girls are growing into adults, and am in awe of her relationship with them.

i hope to have that.

in the meantime, i will cherish everything about the growing wonder of this stage of her life.  even the eye-rolls that i recognize as my own.

and then we’ll deal with the really tough issues.

 

 

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just now 1.3.11

 

current time: 12:34 p.m, Sunday

in my mug: glass of iced tea, no sugar, with lemon.

in my belly: roasted portabello mushroom, with spinach, blue cheese and bread crumbs, lunch, feeling the draw back to whole foods, come on summer.

in my ears: Full Moon“,  The Black Ghosts

on the table: my cell phone, two discs of Californication from Netflix, Emily’s MP3 player, a notebook, a list of photography books and a glass of iced tea.

on the editor: these photos of Karelyn from Thursday night, her Dad had cancelled, she was upset and so I gave in and let her watch a movie on a school night, and she was falling asleep through the end.

last watched: Rod Stewart on Piers Morgan, and thinking of my mother.  I love biography interviews, people fascinate me.

feeling good about: some more time alone with myself this weekend, girls at extended sleepover.

feeling bummed about: being so far away from the one person i want to be with.

last thing that made me laugh: Ed and I discussing the girls dating last night. I thought I was going to be bad.

and think: The Charter for Compassion, amazing work, amazing ideas, i could devote myself to stuff like this.

 

 

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Processing

I’m still trying to take it all in.  It might be a bit before I have the words.  How wonderful it was to travel.  How amazing it was to be carefree, to rest, to relax into a slow pace.   How easy it was to be with him.  How beautiful it was there.  How much deeper things have gone.   How much I think I learned about myself and my life in just five days.  Each of these is a post in itself.  I’m sure it will be coming.

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