Tag Archives: mama

movement.

it’s 9:00 pm.  the house is dark and quiet.  i have turned off the lights and shut my door.  the girls are in bed.  if i strain i can hear Jim Dale’s voice coming from their room reading them another in the series of Harry Potter on CD.

it’s spring (it feels like summer) but it’s spring and i’m ready to get moving again.  the girls and i walked a mile tonight after dinner just before dusk, but it  left me wanting a little more.

so i closed the door, put my Peter Davidson channel on Pandora and stuck my legs up the wall.  i never know where my yoga practice is going to go in the evenings.  i know there are certain series of poses i can do.  i used to wake up everyday and do sun salutations and close the evening with a relaxation series.  for awhile i followed this weekly schedule diligently.  now, i find though i just want to listen to my body and this is the way i start.  maybe it’s because my first yoga teacher always started us off with legs on the wall.  after a long day of work, rushing to feed the kids and jumping in the car to class, this was the perfect way to start, and so i still do.

and then i just let my body tell me what it wants and i just enjoy the quiet time listening and moving.  i’ve enjoyed good bouts of cardio many, many times.  it helped me lose 25 pounds last year, but my favorite thing in the world is the slow movements of a good yoga practice that put you in tune with feeling the muscles of your body working.

right now i’m putting special focus on my shoulders.  i had my first massage two weeks ago and the therapist was appalled at my upper back and shoulders.  apparently i haven’t just been carrying my tension there, it’s moved in and tried to make a permanent home.  in all the chaos that is my life, i was prepared to beg her to just let me take a nap on the warm table with the dim lights and the twinkly music, but alas, she knew there was work to be done.

now this past week i’ve been watching my shoulders like a hawk and  i’ve found at ALL points through the day they rest somewhere right beside my ears. so i’ve been doing this little twitchy movement each day, all day, as i recognize my creeping shoulders and force shrug them back down.

so they’re getting  a little special attention right now.

the last part of my practice is always the same too, savasana, oh sweet savasana.  looks so easy.  so not.  but so worth it.  in class we started by tightening every bit of our body and slowly letting it go.  have you ever tried to relax your cheeks?  let your eyes sink into the back of your head?  but it works and anyone who is doing yoga practice, please enlighten me as to how many times you’ve actually fallen asleep in this pose.  maybe it’s the fact i do it at night in the dark and i’m always tired, but it’s a common occurrence.

i wrote this whole post in my head as i worked tonight, but somehow sitting here now on the floor with the screen in front of me the beauty of the words i had then have left me. i’ve resolved to post the thoughts that are in my mind most evenings.  some nights as with this night, perhaps it will just be a diatribe about yoga.  oh well, some of you will get it.

it was a long winter this year.  in a way i fell off my path during those long months.

but i feel it coming back and each time i wonder, why has it fallen away.  this is such a wonderful part of my life.

i love my practice, but i’m missing yoga classes.  there’s so much more i want to learn.  no time to fit it into my schedule right now.  so it sits with the tai chi classes and the mountain climbing classes that line up behind it on the wish list.  let’s not talk either about the whole catalog of knowledge that could come from the kripalu or omega catalogs that have made their way to the mailbox the last couple weeks.

in the meantime i’ll just keep moving.

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here

 

here is where he was standing, waiting for me to find the perfect shot.

again and again and again.

patient.

always waiting for me.  to find my way back again, to find my way across the mountains and plains, to find answers to the questions that hang there between us.

he is a patient man.

i never want to wait for anything.  impatient.

he says 58 days is not so long.

i roll my eyes.

here.

here is where he waits.

here is where i can’t stop thinking i want to be.

here is where i found bliss

in the feel of his hands stroking my hair,

in reaching out and having someone’s hand to hold,

in waking in the night assured he was there.

here.

in that one spot,

that spot where i rest my head

and know that everything is okay.

that place where my head fits into his neck

and i know i am safe.

and i know that here

is defined only as

this place,

this spot.

my safe place.

here,

this spot.

is where i can call home.

 

 

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Processing

I’m still trying to take it all in.  It might be a bit before I have the words.  How wonderful it was to travel.  How amazing it was to be carefree, to rest, to relax into a slow pace.   How easy it was to be with him.  How beautiful it was there.  How much deeper things have gone.   How much I think I learned about myself and my life in just five days.  Each of these is a post in itself.  I’m sure it will be coming.

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roller coaster ride.

{looking forward to some reading during flight time}

It’s been a bit of a roller coaster ride this week, physically and mentally. Daily life has been busy, two of the three of us have been plagued by mysterious stomach ailments and then there is the trip, and on top still fighting off the cold.

Thursday I leave for Colorado.  It’s a trip I’ve been counting down since the day he left in December.  85 days ago.  It seemed then an unbearable amount of time to go without seeing each other.  A very depressing amount of time.  Difficult to lose someone for twenty years, find them for eleven days and then they are gone again.  But somehow we’ve made it and 48 hours from now, I will be there.

I am excited.  Beyond excited.  Excited to have this time to spend with him.  Excited to have this time for us to be alone.  Excited that I will actually have four full days without the responsibilities of work, motherhood, household.

But right now I am tired.  Tired.  Tired from the responsibilities of work, motherhood and household.  Tired from preparing myself and my home for this trip.  Tired from worrying about whether the girls will be okay, thinking what if something goes wrong with them or with myself.  And so today I have asked him, only half-jokingly, if it is okay if I just sleep curled up next to him for the first 24 hours.

The girls seem fine, quite excited actually that Grandmom (my mother) is coming to stay for five days.  My mother is quite content that everything will be fine, but I have NEVER been away from these girls.  This is the mother who agonized over the divorce and not being there to watch over on Wednesday nights and Saturdays.  So for me, there is a bit of stress over leaving them at home.  (I won’t go into the letters I’ve written them in case something should happen to me).

But again, part of this journey is about me.  About me finding myself, my happiness and part of my happiness right now lies in Colorado.  Part of my journey is about seeing where this road is leading, and some of that needs to be explored between the two of us.

So right now feels like a roller coaster.  And in two more days, I imagine it’s going to feel a bit like bliss.

And then I’ll be home and we’ll start the countdown again.

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39.

 

the last year of my thirties begins today.

 

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two weeks.

72 days down.  14 to go. 

 

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Just Now 3.6.2011

current time: 7:58 a.m, in bed listening to the girls up already, playing Scrabble in the next room.

in my mug: did you think it would be a hot cuppa tea?  well, you are right, although there is an emptly glass of Chardonnay on the bookshelf leftover from last night.

in my belly: roasted vegetables and crusty bread from last nght, dinner for one.

in my ears: Amber” by 311, and the sound of rain on the rooftop, ushering in Spring (i hope).

on the nightstand: ipod, a dollar bill, a scholastic book order, and a fly, guess spring is coming.

on the editor: a new blog header i’ve been working on, an  upcoming project perhaps i will see through

last watched: this movie, a random Itunes rental, but I fell in love with it.

feeling good about: 18 days until i hop a plane to Colorado.

feeling bummed about: my grandmother, suffering some medical troubles

last thing that made me laugh: listening to one of my grandmother’s stories in her living room in the afternoon.

and think: someone said last night regarding the health care issue “the problem is you see it as a right, i see it as a privilege”, is that the true nature of the problem?

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