Monthly Archives: October 2010

Just Now 10.30.10

{the girls with stickers from Aunt Karen}

current time: 9:18 p.m.

in my mug: cuppa tea

in my belly: warm  brownies

in my ears: Matt Costa’s “Astair”

in the fridge: acorn squash and cauliflower

on the nightstand: my ipod and my Neflix copy of “The Illusionist” I’ve had now for over two months and watched probably fifteen times.

on the editor: photos from last fall, camera still out for repair, today’s photo taken with my point.

last watched: “Babe” with the girls, Karelyn doesn’t remember watching it when she was very little. “That’ll do, pig.  That’ll do”.

feeling good about: an evening curled up with my girls, brownies & milk, and a good movie.

feeling bummed about: it’s not gluten.  we’ve been completely gluten-free a week, and still the stomach woes.

last thing that made me laugh: my grandmother, sitting, talking at my kitchen table today.

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Wordless Wednesday: Just Not My Words

 

 

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Content With Short Bursts of Anxiety

How DID I fall into this happy place?  Was it the  8,000 baby steps I took?   Is it the coming together of 10,000 small moments that made me smile?  Is it the 4,000 horrible nights that I pushed myself through?  I just turned around and here it is.  There was no line.  No marker I crossed. No directional arrow that said “HAPPINESS ➙”

I have  been so content lately.  And I cannot pinpoint it to one direct thing.  It’s just that  sometimes I just stop and smile and just say it out loud,

“I am so happy”.

These small moments.  When I have connected with someone.  Or I have done something, written something, edited something that I am really proud of.  When the insects outside are doing a perfect trilling song.  When the clouds crossing the full moon just radiate beauty.  When my children about burst my heart with their kindness or their laughter.   When my family make me laugh so. very. hard.

This contentment has to do with a lot of people.  There are a lot of people to thank for it.  Some of them are as close as next door or down the road.  A few I found over the last couple years who were important from my past.  Some are friends from as far away as the other side of the country or the other side of the world.  Their voices, their written words bring me comfort, remind me I am never alone.

I will always be anxious.  Always.  I will always have those panicky, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW moments.  Those OH MY GOD THERE IS NO WAY I CAN HANDLE THIS RIGHT NOW moments. I am always going to be fighting off certain amounts of self-doubt, of fear. Somedays I want to turn in my Parenting badge, resign and math homework can still bring me to tears, even at the 4th grade level.

But I will take it, this label.  Someone can affix it to me.  Like a warning label.

WARNING:  She is very content, but prone to short bursts of anxiety.

Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we all just wore warning labels?  I like this label.  I like the way it looks on me.

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on children…

It has been a rough last week.  Horrible cold and fever  took over both of my girls over the course of it.  We are still trying to figure out Emily’s stomach woes.  Blood test for Celiac and trying gluten-free this week on top of the already acknowledged lactose intolerance.  Today we did everything right and she went to bed with either a rash or hives on her middle.  It’s been frustrating.  But in all the household is feeling much better and somehow, someway I have escaped it, perhaps there is such a thing as miracles.

Today was a good day.  Tonight I saw this girl above skipping across the yard.  When she skips, it makes my heart sing.  It’s just a sign of pure happiness, and her happiness is my happiness.  When things are tough, when motherhood seems overwhelming and I don’t seem to be getting my way, I am reminded of this portion of Kahlil Gibran’s “The Prophet”, one of my favorite parts of my favorite spiritual guidebook, that any mother at any stage may appreciate:

“Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

for even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves the bow that is stable”.

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Just Now 10.22.10

 

current time: 8:33 p.m.

in my mug: Root Cabernet Sauvignon

in my belly: Homemade blueberry scones, not mine, but one of our credit union members makes the most amazing scones ever.

in my ears: “A New World” from the Kingdom of Heaven Soundtrack. If you saw the theatre cut of this movie it was crap that didn’t make any sense, if you saw the director’s cut, it was pretty amazing.

in the fridge: one last piece of pumpkin cake my grandmother made that I’m trying not to eat.

on the nightstand: a glass of water and a handkerchief leftover from too many nights of sick girls in my bed.

on the editor: nothing, though there are plenty of photos to work up, it’s been a busy, rough week.

last watched: the short film above, it’s about 12 minutes long, but 12 minutes to surely make you smile.

feeling good about: a phone call I know is coming tonight, as it does every night and having someone ask me again, everyday, how my day was and mean it.

feeling bummed about: not having anyone I truly believe in to vote for and realizing that any type of humanitarian who would make real change will never make it in the system.

last thing that made me laugh: the girls at work, they always make me laugh, like climbing under the counter out of embarrassment so no one can see kind of laughing.

 

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Wordless Wednesday: Be Gone Gloomy Days


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180° South

There are those movies that change your life.  That after viewing you see things completely differently.   This is one of those documentaries.  My mother recommended this movie to me.  She said everyone should see this movie.  I didn’t realize until I was into it and saw Chris Malloy that  it was a Malloys film.  As in the same Malloys that film with Jack Johnson, that the soundtrack that is now downloaded and playing is from Brushfire Records.  As if all the surfing didn’t give it away point blank.

Regardless, here is what this film gave me.

A belief in living your dreams.  A belief in doing.  A belief in saying YES to life.  A belief that people can do good.  A belief in how beautiful this world is.  A belief in putting less stock in things and more in experiences.  A belief that one experience can change your life and what you choose to do with it as it did for the original crew in 1968.

I don’t want to climb mountains…too afraid of heights.  I want to learn to surf though those waves seem just a little bit scary.

But I want to stop thinking myself out of the things I want to do.  One life.  One chance.  What if we just said yes.

We have one life.  We have one planet.  What we choose to do with both of those things is our choice.

I cannot make a big enough recommendation.  I was blown away.  So many wise and wonderful things were said, so much beauty.

More info is here.

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