She whispered in my ear, “I will never hate you”.
I whispered back. “There will be times you will hate me, but I will still always love you and then there will be at time you will not hate me anymore”.
She said, “Well, I will never leave you. I will never run away”.
I wish we could keep that certainty.
Filed under girls
This is Emily on Wednesday. First day of school. First day of fourth grade. She is steady on her way to the age of double digits. Last week I decided to stop picking out her clothes for her. I would like to say this was a brilliant, forward-thinking decision on my part, but the absolute truth is she kept ignoring what I laid out for her and putting her own outfits together. Usually these involve bright colors, a hat or sequins hairbands wrapped around her ankles. As long as she is staying within the bounds of decency I am going to let her go with it.
Because look at that stance up there.
I am a fourth-grader.
I now go upstairs at school.
I am wearing a scarf as a belt.
I have ONE braid.
I want her to stay this way forever. Confident in herself. Proud of who she is. We are coming up to some hard years for girls. I want her to stand tall. I want her to laugh her way through. Dance to her own beat. Play her own song. Make up her own rules. I don’t want her to feel she has to conform. I want to know that if someone tried to make her feel bad about herself, she will feel sorry that they don’t have the privilege of knowing her.
I read this article in The New York Times about this woman and the work she is doing. I wanted to know more. So I’ve been checking out her website. In all that down time I have.
I think CONFIDENCE could be the greatest gift we could give our daughters.
Filed under girls
current time: 8:56 p.m.
in my mug: Jacob’s Creek Pinot Noir
in my belly: Roast Chicken and Twice Baked Potatoes (it’s cool today, finally)
in my ears: Jose Gonzalez, “Heartbeats” in a never-ending loop.
in the fridge: a big tub of blueberries.
on the nightstand: “Long Way Round” by Ewan McGregor & Charley Boorman, having finished the show, now reading the book.
on the editor: landscapes and stills from vacation
last watched: the scene in the Wizard of Oz where Glinda the good witch arrives in a bubble, it’s a favorite and Karelyn’s favorite movie besides Harry Potter.
feeling good about: taking off for the first day of school tomorrow and baking cookies for them for when they get home.
feeling bummed about: not having the talent of a graphic artist.
last thing that made me laugh: my mother’s story that she heard my brother’s voice coming out of her purse saying, “Mom, look in your purse. I’m in your purse” when she inadvertently purse dialed him on her cell phone.
Filed under Uncategorized
I swore when I was on vacation that I would hold on to how I felt right then and that I would take it back home with me. I would have been lying in what was my brother’s childhood vacation bedroom. We would have been back from the beach and the late afternoon sun would have been coming through the window. We would have had a late lunch and been looking at a simple dinner. There was not much else to do right at that moment but lay back on the bed and stare out the window at the blueberry field behind the house. Or pick up a book. Or dream in my notebook. Or listen to my children chatter downstairs. Or decide at the last minute to go back and have a campfire on the beach.
It was very easy right then, to think that yes, this is the way life should be. It’s like vacation always is. When you are so wrapped up in the goodness of it all that your mind starts daydreaming to ways you could live here, you could give up your day job. You could have one plate, some old hand me down furniture and days to just sit by the waves. Then you think that you can carry that peace back home. You begin to imagine you can make home this way. Why IS it so mad, you wonder?
So there I was making oaths to myself in the upstairs of my parents home in Nova Scotia. When you are about 1,150 miles from home it’s easy to do this. By the time we found ourselves mobbed by cars on the New Jersey turnpike, surrounded by so many people in a rest area, I wanted to throw my hands over my head, click my heels three times and whisper, “I want to go back to the nothingness”. By the time I returned to work on Tuesday and found myself back in the work, dinner, household routine, I was ready to cry.
But it’s perspective. This IS my life. There is no changing that. I have work to do, two children to care for, three (grrr) pets and a house to tend. But I can still find a way to hold onto that state of mind. I can still try to take the time to lay quietly on the bed with a book or take a walk down by the water.
Today we woke up and took care of the back to school business early, 24 glue sticks and countless pencils later…we were home and I was doing laundry….and then suddenly this afternoon we decided to run down to the park. Get back in the fresh air and sit by the river and watch the ducks. We made it home for a quick dinner of grilled cheese sandwiches and tomatoes from the garden before we went down to the community theatre to see them perform “The Wizard of Oz”.
The laundry. Still here. The dishes. Unfortunately still in the sink. I’m still considering the one plate for each of us way of life, but I’ve been doing that for awhile now. I still have one bag that remains unpacked, one week later. There have been more important things, like photos, and writing and sit downs by the river, watching the ducks, bare feet on the dock boards, no plans for dinner in sight.
I’m trying still to rid myself of the monkey mind. The daily grind. I’m going to put some of these photos up. The ones from this journey. Remind myself to slow down, breathe, enjoy. To slip back into that vacation state of mind I had in that bedroom in the great North Atlantic.
Filed under Uncategorized
current time: 12:25 a.m. (yeah, i know)
in my mug: tea, what else?
in my belly: spinach, sausage, mozzerella, basil bread braid.
in my ears: “Opportunity” by Pete Murray, because I need it tonight.
in the fridge: food, finally. when we left for vacation there was only, feta cheese, pepperoni, two eggs and veggies for the rabbit.
on the nightstand: two heart rocks Karelyn found on the beach, a handful of Canadian change and “The Collected Works of Kahlil Gibran”
on the editor: hundreds of vacation photos.
last watched: this, a few times. can anyone else not get used to him with hair? watching this makes me happy.
feeling good about: a needed pick-me-up from a friend tonight.
feeling bummed about: leaving Nova Scotia.
last thing that made me laugh: listening to the girls in the back of the car in Massachusetts, repeating “my belly is so big (fill in response) lock dat in”, in a pseudo South African accent for close to an hour. **yes, it makes no sense but it was hilarious.
Filed under mama
Thanks to my step-father for the photo of Nova Scotia waiting for us.
It’s time now. For vacation. Work is done. Ten days until I will be back. The bags are almost packed. The refrigerator holds nothing but veggies for the rabbit. I have the passports and six books to try to read. I will still sweep the floors. Kiss the dog and cat goodbye. Hugs to the neighbors (ie: the grandparents). The house here will be quiet. Be without our usual presence. No little girl footsteps running around. No music in the background. No laughing or arguing. We are taking our energy northward.
I’ve emailed friends. Sorted the mail. Given the last approvals for the new blog. I wonder how I will do without this computer for over a week.
Enjoy your summer days friends. They are going so fast.
As always stay healthy, stay grateful, and feel loved.
See you on the other side of rest.
Filed under seasons
current time: 8:19 p.m.
in my mug: my favorite tea with milk and honey
in my belly: blt’s with more fresh tomatoes.
in my ears: “Life & Death” by Michael Giacchino from LOST, beautiful.
in the fridge: freshly plucked carrots from my sister’s garden.
on the nightstand: my alarm clock, with a beaten snooze alarm.
on the editor: trees, lots of trees.
last watched: the video clip above, gave me a good feeling.
feeling good about: the abundance of people i’ve been finding doing good things online.
feeling bummed about: my seemingly crazy hormones.
last thing that made me laugh: our dastardly discussion on how we could rig the drawing for the grill we just gave away at work. (we didn’t).
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Under The BIG blue Sky 